


Roxanne

by tothineownelfbetrue



Category: Disenchantment (TV 2018)
Genre: Attempted Elfo/dudes, Bean just needs a hug, Currently unbeta'd, Elfo is a good friend, Elfo trying to look sexy, Gen, I want more fairies damn it, Lots of fairies, Luci is a bad friend, Luci's dream job probably, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pimp my Elf, Set during Episode 5, Sex Talk, Sex Work, lgbt fairies, no actual shipping, positive portrayal of sex workers, various views of sex work, will update with beta'd version later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-08-26 10:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16680241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tothineownelfbetrue/pseuds/tothineownelfbetrue
Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures.  After being exiled from Dreamland castle and failing at several jobs in a row, Bean still isn't quite willing to try Luci's idea to sell her body for money, but perhaps his follow up suggestion might work?Or: That weird fic where Luci and Bean pimp their elf.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place during Chapter 05: Faster, Princess! Kill! Kill!
> 
> Rating will not go up. This is a sfw fic aside from the overall concept. Fic will update on Tuesdays.

 

-1-

 

The three of them sat on the steps of Bunty's miserable little hovel, side by side. Bean had her knees drawn up against her chest, after having refused the very generous offer of a smoke from Luci. Elfo was close behind her, somehow managing to suck lazily on his bladder of pig milk and look worried all at the same time.

"I don't know what we're going to do, guys." Bean ran a hand through her hair, leaving streaks of red amidst the white. "Nothing seems to be working out. Even that stupid butcher job sucked. I suck!" She pressed her face against her knees and let out a long sigh.

Elfo finally pulled away from his suckling for a moment to pat Bean reassuringly on the arm. "There, there, Bean. Don't be sad. You did your best! And at least you brought home all of this dog meat, right?"

Bean let out an even longer sigh and Elfo looked at Luci beseechingly. The demon rolled his eyes in response, giving his shoulders a shrug. "What do you want me to say? She hacked up a bunch of purebred poodles instead of selling them to rich losers. That's kinda the definition of sucking at your job. Also their meat is all oily. So it's not like Bean is wrong about being a total screw-up-" his words were cut off as he received a pig bladder to the face. "What?!"

Elfo drew himself up, standing at his full meager height and just looking more ludicrous because he was still in a diaper. His arms crossed in front of his chest. "Lucille! That's no way to be talking to Bean! She's trying her best! You should be more encouraging!"

Luci hopped back to his feet, gripping the bladder of milk in both hands as he stared at Elfo through narrowed eyes. "Oh sure, **Mom**. Because we should be encouraging failure. Well, I mean, aside from epic failures I can laugh at, cuz those are great. But normal failure just doesn't cut it. See? This is what's wrong with society today..."

"Actually, I think the burgeoning divide in income inequality and the lack of social support is what's wrong with - Aagh!" Elfo's comment cut off into a yowl and a sputter as a splash of lukewarm pig's milk hit him in the nose. "Stop it!"

Luci snickered. He grinned as Elfo tried to give him a forbidding stare. "Well when you put it that way," he drawled, "I think maybe I could come around to this encouragement thing. Psst... Elfo. I think you wet your nappy." He aimed the pig bladder and squeezed so the rest of the pig milk hit Elfo in the crotch. The elf grimaced and whined, glaring daggers at Luci. Luci just shrugged in the face of his anger, dripping smugness from every inch of his small black frame.

"I'm gonna go get changed-" Elfo pouted, swiping ineffectively at the wet fabric before darting back inside the house.

Leaning against Bean, Luci tapped at his cigar and ash sprinkled to the steps. "Okay. With Mr. Sunshine and gumdrops out of the way, we can focus on the real problem here." He draped his tail companionably across Bean's shoulders. "We've got no cash and you suck at everything. But hey, there's plenty of people who've reached a state of rock bottom desperation."

"And who... overcame it?" Bean asked, tone vaguely hopeful.

"What?" Luci coughed hard and then wheezed. "No." He coughed more between a few hoarse bouts of laughter. "Oh, hell no. Oh that's funny. My sides!" He had to lean heavily against Bean's arm to stay upright for a second. When his laughter finally died off, he smiled at Bean, only a little condescending. "No. We're out of options, Bean. There's only one thing left to do. You're gonna have to sell your body."

Bean gave the demon a long flat stare. "Yeah. No. We're not doing that."

Luci threw his hands up in mock frustration. "I give you a great idea and this is the thanks I get? Fine." He settled again, immediately, his grin somehow even more mischievous. "Bean, we're going to have to sell Elfo's body."

His timing was right on point. The words left his lips the exact moment a freshly powdered and diapered elf emerged from behind the hanging cloth that served as a makeshift door. Elfo paused as both of them turned to look at him right away, his smile faltering under their steady stares. "Uh... what did I miss?"

"Good news, buddy! We found a solution to Bean's whole problem!" Luci bounced to the other side of Bean, placing himself conveniently between Elfo and the door.

"Oh! That's great!" Elfo perked up, any lingering worry about their future gone in an eye blink.

"Yeah. It is great." Luci leaned up on his toes to curl an arm around Elfo's shoulder and draw him down a bit closer. "And I have even better news! You get to help out!"

"I do?" Elfo gasped, all the more excited. "I love helping out Bean!"

"Yeah. I know." Luci gave a dismissive wave. "So what we need you to do..." He curled his arm even more companionably around the elf, to prevent possible escape. "We need to sell your body. We're in need of some serious cash flow."

"Okay." Elfo said automatically, then paused. "Wait, what?" He looked at Luci through wide eyes, uncomprehending for a few seconds but he finally blurted out, "We can't do that!"

Luci immediately switched tactics, "Look, I know you elves are all prudes or whatever-" There was a choked sputter from Elfo, but Luci steadfastly ignored it, "-but I thought you'd be better than that-" The rest of his words were cut off as Elfo interrupted with a sharp gasp, apparently on his own runaway train of thought.

"Oh god, dad would be furious." Elfo waved his hands frantically.

The demon scowled at that, after a few seconds of quiet disbelief. "That's what you're worried abou-" he shook his head. "He's not even your dad! Stop calling him that!" He glanced over at Bean, expecting her to back him up, but she still looked a little dubious herself. She hadn't actually said they wouldn't do it though, so he took that as tacit support of his plan. Luci moved to a cajoling tone. "Look, Zog just wants your blood. I mean we can do whatever we want with the rest of you, right? Just no blood. It'll be fine."

"I... I guess..." Elfo fidgeted, almost ready to cave in. It was time for the killing blow.

"And it'll help Bean." Luci reminded him with a smirk, knowing from the elf's soft groan that he'd won.

"Okay." Elfo said at last, looking at Bean with that stupid adoring gaze of his. "I'll do it. For Bean."

A second later he was rewarded for his capitulation as Bean reached out and hugged him to her chest. "Oh Elfo! Thank you! You're such a good friend!"

Elfo let out a soft, delighted giggle at the praise. To Luci's surprise, he didn't seem apprehensive at all at the prospect of the whole "sex for money" thing. Luci wondered if maybe he'd misjudged the elf. Maybe he really wasn't as innocent and naive as he seemed-

"So what does selling my body involve? Not my blood, you said? What would someone need a body for anyway? A decoration?" Elfo paused and then made an excited sound. "Are we going to dress me up and put me in a store window?!"

\- ... never mind. Luci hadn't thought the elf could disappoint him any more than he already did by just existing, but he'd been so wrong.

"I guess we're going to have to have the talk," Luci sighed. As the elf scooched forward on the doorstep, eyes bright, Luci straightened up and went into lecture mode. "Okay Elfo, so when a guy and a woman really like each other... or they're just super horny.... or when an elf's buddies really need some cash-"

-

"You mean sex."

Elfo had been sitting there in silence for a very long time after Luci's explanation on how the fine institution of prostitution worked. He'd been quiet for so long that the demon was actually afraid for a moment that he'd broken Elfo's tiny brain. He was honestly surprised at Elfo's blunt summary of his explanation. "That's right! Good job, buddy! You actually know what sex is!"

"Of course I know what sex is!" The elf crossed his arms, indignant. "I've had sex!"

"Sure you have." Luci crooned out soothingly.

"And I mean my dad would talk about it **all the time**." It's like, please! Just stop! I don't need to hear about you having sex, Pops!" He pressed his hands over his ears as his voice cut off in a high whine of desperation and disgust.

"Oh man." Bean chimed in, resting a hand on his slim shoulder. "That's rough man. I feel that. My stepmom was, like, trying to tell me all about my dad's testicles. It was just... ugh." She grimaced and Elfo stared at her with abject horror at this new information. "I don't need to think about that, Oona. Gross."

Elfo nodded empathetically. "Right!"

Luci scowled, looking from one to the other as the two of them shared a moment of mutual trauma. "Great. Now you guys are bonding over your dads' junk. This is all really special right now." He hopped up onto the step beside them. "Now if you're done talking about Zog's hairy nuts-"

" **Ew!** " Both Bean and Elfo reacted with grimaces, but Bean was the one who lashed out with one hand and knocked Luci off the step. The demon was undeterred, however, hopping easily back to his feet and continuing as though he hadn't been interrupted.

"If you're done talking about Zog's hairy nuts, we can get back to the point." He cleared his throat. "Yes. I mean sex. For money. That's what selling your body means. It doesn't mean being a store mannequin or whatever lame ass thing you said."

The disgust in Elfo's expression faded into uncertainty. "I don't know." His voice went quiet, cheeks getting noticeably darker. "I mean, would anyone even want to? I mean... want to do that, with someone who's... dinky?" He bit his lip and Luci didn't miss the shy sidelong glance he cast in Bean's direction.

He was just so damn obvious about it that Luci had no clue how Bean still didn't know that the elf had a crush on her. She couldn't honestly be that clueless right? It was basic deductive reasoning!

To Luci's surprise, Bean stepped in to help. "Elfo." She was smiling down at their small green companion, a bit amused. "Of course someone would want to. You're just so cute." And then Luci thrilled at the sight as she swiftly and expertly shut down the hopeful look in the elf's eyes without even meaning to. "And you know there's a lot of perverts in Dreamland. Like... so many." She stared past Elfo for a second, hand still on his shoulder as her gaze got distant. "So. Many."

Elfo sagged a little. "Yeah." He signed. "That is true. There's a lot of diplomats too." The two of them gave him blank stares and he shook his head. "Never mind."

The three of them sat there on the stoop for a long time. Just a little further into the street, the plague wagon was passing by. A mangy dog ran up in Luci's direction and was immediately sent packing in a puff of cigar smoke and sparks. Up above, Bunty threw a load of trash out the trash hole, just barely missing them.

"Well?" Luci said.

Elfo looked at him, then over at Bean. "Well." He said. Then a bit beseeching, "You really think this would work?"

"Well, I mean we established that this town is full of pervs so yeah. Pretty sure we're going to make bank selling your whiny green ass to the highest bidders." Luci grinned. "No offense, man. Some people get off on whining."

"Yeah, I know." Elfo said, too quickly, and then he sighed. "Okay."

Bean leaned forward, "Really?" Her earlier melancholy melted away and she even seemed excited. "You'd really do that for us?

"Yeah." Elfo toyed at the hem of his shirt fitfully and Luci had no doubt that he was already thinking about all of the awful possibilities and regretting his offer. Luci also knew that the elf had a remarkably stubborn streak and that meant there were all sorts of amusing things that Luci could probably convince him to do in this line of work, and Elfo would just grit his teeth and take it.

Luci snickered at that thought and waved a hand dismissively as Bean and Elfo looked at him. "Just had an amusing thing on my mind." His tail gave a lazy flick, prodding Elfo in the belly and eliciting a squeak, but no lashback. Nice. "Don't you worry, Elfo. I think you're gonna be great at this job."

While Elfo was trying to puzzle through whether he should be flattered or worried by Luci's cryptic compliment, the demon hopped up onto Bean's shoulder. "Okay Bean. We're off to a fresh start. So tonight, let's get wasted and forget how much you suck at all those other jobs because tomorrow you start work as a pimp!"

"Nice." Bean stood up. "Sounds like a plan." As she started down the street, toward the nearest bar, she didn't seem to notice Bunty emerging from the house to scoop Elfo up off of the step when he tried to follow them.

"Oh, wee one. There you are! I've been looking for you!"

"Hey! Wait-"

Luci gave his head a slight shake as Elfo was carted inside the house, still flailing and looking pleadingly after Bean and Luci. "What a weirdo." He tugged at a lock of Bean's hair. "Ho, Bean! Forward to the booze!"

 

-


	2. Chapter 2

  
-2-

 

Bean was still bleary after a night of hard drinking. Her head was pounding as she roused herself from the pathetic little mat she'd been forced to share with two of Bunty's kids and Luci. The kids had roused long before Bean and were already gone, presumably to whatever jobs they had. It took a faceful of broom bristles from Bunty and a chiding "Come now, milady. Up with you! Can't have you lying abed at this late hour now can we?" in order to get her to move at all.

The princess gave a low groan, trying to bat the broom away. "What? Late? What time is it? Is it dark already, Bunty? I didn't think I slept that long..."

"It's just before sunup, of course. The children have already had breakfast."

"Yeah, Bean. Get your lazy ass up already." Luci was preemptively scooting up on the bed to take up more space, in anticipation of her vacating the spot.

She gave an annoyed growl, sitting up with a flurry of straw and dust. Her hair stood up on one side of her head and she was a bit green around the gills. Even still, she had the presence of mind - or the sheer bitter determination to not be the only one up so early - to grab hold of Luci by the tail and drag the demon up with her.

"Hey!" Luci bristled and hissed like an angry cat. "No one said anything about me having to get up!" Despite his protests, Bean slung him over one shoulder where he hung like a limp noodle. "Ugh. Screw you humans and your need for self improvement!"

Whether it was just being awake for a while or some kind of satisfaction brought about by Luci's unwilling participation in their mutual suffering, Bean did feel a bit better. Even more so after her 'breakfast' of watered down gruel. Today was going to be better! It had to be. This new job was going to be the one.

She'd managed to psyche herself up and she got to her feet, heading for the door with a sense of new determination. As she approached the hanging cloth, she heard a throat clear behind her and she turned to give Luci a glare for his continued intractability.

Luci was standing on the table, arms crossed. He met her glare with a steady stare of his own. "Isn't there something you're forgetting?"

Bean stared at him, uncomprehending. "What?"

The demon groaned, pinching at the bridge of his nose for a moment, then jumping up easily to perch on her shoulder. His tail flicked out, nudging at her cheek to shove her head, forcing her to look in another direction. "You forgot your elf, stupid!"

"Oh!" Bean gave a foolish smile as Bunty held her armful of tiny children - and one tiny elf - giving them a slight rocking before moving to deposit each of them in different makeshift cribs and high chairs. "Yeah, I did forget..." She said, getting over her embarrassment with laudable speed and moving to intercept Bunty before she could put Elfo in a crib too. "Hold on a sec there, Bunts." Bean maneuvered in an attempt to grab the elf, but was somewhat thwarted by Bunty's surprising agility. "Just... hey... just - just give him here, Bunty."

"But your highness!" The woman protested, clutching Elfo tightly against her ample chest.

The game might have gone on for longer if Luci hadn't jumped from his perch on Bean's shoulder to land on Bunty's head. His weight dragged her bonnet down in front of her eyes and she flailed a little with her vision cut off. Bean was quicker to react this time, swooping in to snatch the elf out of Bunty's grip before darting for the door. Luci barely had enough time to leap after her, catching the trailing end of her shirt. He clawed his way up to her shoulder again, looking back and letting out a self indulgent chuckle at the sight. Bunty, still with her face partly covered, stumbled into the door cloth and got tangled in the fabric as she flailed.

"Your highness!" She called out, plaintive, and Bean almost felt guilty enough to pause. Then Luci's tail whapped out across her forehead and she remembered why they were even doing this.

"Sorry, Bunts!" she hollered back over her shoulder. "I just need to borrow this for a while!"

Though the portly woman gave chase, it wasn't too hard for Bean to outpace her, even with Elfo's weight slung over her shoulder and bouncing like a very light sack of potatoes. As she finally came to a stop and righted Elfo from his nearly upside-down dangle across her shoulder, he looked a bit woozy from the bouncing.

"Elfo? Hey, Elfo, are you okay?" Bean patted a hand gingerly at his shoulder, then recoiled as the greener than usual elf hiccuped, then puked on the ground between them. "Oh my god, Elfo."

The elf shook his head, still a bit queasy looking. "I should not have had all that pig milk before we had to run away..."

Luci hopped down next to him, making sure to avoid the mess. "I think you could have just gone with the first half of that statement. No one should have pig's milk." He looked around, scowled a little. "So what do we have here? Back alley, scenic garbage. A bit away from the main traffic." His critical gaze fell on Elfo who was still looking a little queasy and more than a little ridiculous still parading around in a diaper. "Yeah, I don't think we're going to be getting a prime space with what we've got to work with here." Elfo was a bit steadier as he met Luci's frank stare. He gave a slight wave, probably out of habit.

"Well Bean, it's not ideal, but we're gonna have to make due." Luci snapped his fingers to get the elf's attention. "Yo! Elfo! Over here!"

When Elfo ambled over, Luci immediately started to prod him about with his fingers and tail. "Straighten up. Slouching isn't sexy." He sighed, his black ears going back. "Okay. Let's start this over. Show me your sexiest pose."

Elfo blinked, fidgeted and tapped the tips of his fingers together. His gaze went toward the shingled roofs overhead for a moment as he screwed up his small green face with a look of concentration. Then he reached into his shirt and pulled out a ribbon. His fingers moved rapidly to tie it into a neat bow before he set the bow on top of his head. Then he flopped down onto the floor unceremoniously and didn't move, just looking up at them expectantly.

Even Bean was dubious. "Uh, Elfo... what are you doing? What's up with the bow?"

"It's sexy?" Elfo gave her a pleading stare. "I'm doing my sexy pose."

The princess made a stifled noise, hand rising to cover her mouth as the sound ended in a snort. She had a suspicious gleam to her eyes but she managed to be diplomatic. "I'm not sure this is the right look for you, Elfo."

"Don't pussyfoot around to spare his feelings, Bean." Luci scolded. "Just give it to him straight."

"What needs to be straight?" Elfo shifted, still on the ground but moving to sit up.

"Well, not you, obviously." The demon couldn't resist a jab before continuing with his take down. "Look. You suck man. You're just not good at looking sexy. On the scale of sexy things you're somewhere right on the level of boiled cabbage!" Luci made a thoughtful noise. "No. Less than boiled cabbage sexy. Something under that. Boiled cabbage at least drapes better."

His words had the intended effect and then some. Elfo drew his knees up to his chest and looked at Luci, hurt. "You're so mean."

Luci shrugged. "This is a business, man. We can't make money to help Bean if you're wandering around looking like that. Now, let's see what we can do with you." The look of glee on his face made the elf backpedal a few inches on the ground. Bean just glanced after them as Luci hooked the tip of his tail beneath Elfo's shirt collar and ushered him further back into the alleyway, partially behind an overturned trash can.

Elfo fidgeted where he stood as Luci darted around him several times. "Shirt's awful. Shoes are awful. Don't you have any other clothes?"

"Yeah!" Elfo tugged at the front of his shirt. "Back at the palace I have another shirt. It's just like this one!" His voice rang out with pride.

Luci groaned and hopped over the wall across the back alley to raid the nearest clothesline. He came back with a purple shirt. "Here. At least you'll vaguely match in this." He scowled as he pulled at the seams holding the sleeves to the shirt on, letting them unravel until the too long sleeves fell loosely to the ground. "Put this on." Then, as Elfo moved to pull it on over what he was wearing, Luci added, "Not over your shirt, stupid! Take that off first!"

Elfo clutched the fabric close to his chest with a look like a startled antelope. "What?" Then, as it sank in, he nodded his cheeks dark and one shoe scuffing against the dirty cobbles. "Can you uh..." He gestured with his hand and Luci realized that the elf wanted him to turn around. "Really? It's nothing I haven't seen before. Hypocrite." Luci wandered to the other side of the trash mound anyway as the elf changed.

When Elfo emerged from the other side, he looked almost presentable. The purple of the shirt didn't quite match Elfo's pointy hat, but it was close enough. The shirt was made for a human and hung baggily around him to just above his knees.

"Bean, lemme borrow your belt." Luci made a 'give here' gesture, then almost got beaned in the head as the princess tossed the belt down and it nearly landed on top of him. Luci had to wrap it twice around Elfo's middle, causing the shirt to flare out at the bottom like a dress. "Good enough."

"But..." Elfo tugged fitfully at the bottom hem, even though it went down much further than the shirt he had been wearing before. It even covered up the stupid diaper Luci had briefly tried to convince the elf to ditch. Luci still stood by the assertion that even Elfo walking around with his dick hanging out was more appealing than Elfo in a diaper, but the other two had ganged up on him and argued for Elfo to keep the item. Luci was not in the mood for another of those conversations, snagging the elf by the hand and leading him toward the street.

"Okay. Now just stand here and look sexy. If that's even possible." As Elfo attempted this, Luci kept calling out changes to his posture. "Tilt your head up! No. Not that far. Okay now, lean a little to one side, like this." Luci assumed a pose, hand on hip, and he could feel Bean's eyes on him. "Don't you dare laugh, princess. Elfo! Cant your hips a little! Don't you want to look sexy for our customers?"

"What customers?" Elfo whined, trying to both mimic Luci's pose and tilt his head up and keep his shoulders back, all at the same time. Two seconds later, the inevitable happened and he toppled onto his ass on the cobbles. "Ow!" He rubbed at his arm as he sat up. "It's barely past dawn! I don't think anyone's looking for sex this early in the morning."

"Everyone's looking for sex. There's never a bad time, trust me. Hell is full to the brim with horny people." He peered up and down the street where most of the people out and about were already rushing to their own jobs. "We just need to do something to catch their attention. Hmm...." He pondered for a few seconds. "Hey, you're not fireproof are you?"

Bean swooped in to the rescue, much to Luci's disgust. "We're not lighting him on fire."

"Well, if you don't want to get guaranteed attention, be my guest." Luci drawled. "I'm just saying, if he were on fire, people would be looking."

Elfo, of course, elected to side with Bean despite Luci muttering that he was a coward. Luci leaned against the wall and lit a joint as Bean reassured the elf.

"Well get some customers, Elfo. Plenty of people are going to want to fuck you." She paused, expression twisting into something odd for a moment. "That was a mental image," she muttered, faintly distressed. Then she cleared her throat. "Okay. You... just stand here." She moved to stand on the other side of the street, across from their alleyway.

The first man she approached was dressed fairly well by Dreamland standards, but was otherwise nondescript. Bean stepped in his direction and he slowed, offering Bean the opportunity to pitch her elven wares. "Hey there," she called out in a cajoling tone. "You look like you could use a friend."

He stopped in his tracks at that, staring at Bean as she grinned in triumph. The man was wary but still interested. "I suppose I could use a friend. If you had one in mind."

"Oh, I do." Bean twirled a strand of hair around one finger with a coy smile. "And it would be a really good friend. A **super close** friend, if you get what I mean." She looked past the man, at where Elfo was standing and gave him a wink. He returned an uncertain smile while he twisted at the hem of his shirt.

"Yeah. Yeah! I get you!" The man looked more eager now. "I think I could use a friend. What's the price?" He reached for his belt, to snag his money pouch.

"Um." Bean hesitated. It had occurred to her that she had no idea what it cost for paid sex. "Three coins? I think? Yeah. Three. Three coins."

The man held out the coins and Bean grinned. "Look boys! We've got our first customer." She took the money with a quick sweep of her hand, giving Luci a smug look at succeeding where he'd failed. Then she crossed the narrow street again to stand beside Elfo. "So, Elfo. You're just gonna go with-" she paused, then looked at the man expectantly.

He stared blankly back at her, brows furrowed before supplying in a hesitant voice. "George."

"With George, yeah. Just go with him and show him a good time." The elf bit his lip as she talked and she knelt to rest a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You can do this, Elfo. I totally have faith in you."

The elf nodded, then eased past Bean to look up at the man, George. "Hi! I'm Elfo!'

George stared at him, then at Bean. "What's going on here?!"

Bean crossed her arms. "You're buying a friend for sex. That is what we were making a deal on, right?" She jingled the coins in her palm.

"I thought you meant with you!" The man yelped out with affronted dignity. "Not... uh... whatever that is!" he made a gesture toward Elfo.

"Elf." Elfo supplied, sulky.

Bean looked at the man for a moment, expression blank, then she laughed out loud. "Oh! Oh you thought- Yeah. Okay. That's funny." In the face of her laughter the man just got more agitated. Bean didn't even notice, her laughs gradually dissolving into faint snorts. "Yeah. No. I meant with Elfo."

Their would-be client's lips twisted in disgust. "I'm not having sex with that thing-"

" **Elf!** "

"-and I want my money back. Now!" George took a step toward Bean, who hastily tucked the coins away in her shirt.

"No refunds! That's our policy." She took an uncertain step backward as he advanced and Luci groaned, taking one more drag from his joint before tossing it to the ground.

As he exhaled the puff of smoke, sparks accompanied it, his shadow looming big - if a bit faint - against the alley wall behind them. "She said no refunds!" He bellowed in his most intimidating voice.

The man sputtered and jumped as the sparks hit near his feet. Though he didn't seem thrilled, he backed off quickly, giving the three of them a scathing glare before running off full-tilt down the street. Luci's giant shadow remained for a few more seconds before the light faded and it dwindled back into a normal size.

"Well, that was a bust." He said, at last. sidling up to Bean and patting her on the leg. "But you're pretty popular. Are you sure you don't want to-"

"No." She glared down at him. "I don't want to." She let out a slow breath, then reached down to her pocket to pat at the slight bulge of the coins. "Well, I guess that was a bit successful, at least." Her gaze went to Elfo who was standing there looking a bit downcast. He rubbed at one arm, tugging at the slightly frayed hem where the sleeve used to be. "Aw... don't be too worried Elfo. I mean at least you got a customer. Well..." She paused, having to be honest. "I mean I got the customer... but still..."

"Nice pep talk, Bean." Luci grinned. "I think you might make him cry."

"I'm not crying." Elfo sniveled out. "It's fine, Bean. Really."

Bean patted his shoulder again. "Yeah. Don't get discouraged Elfo. We'll get you some business, just you wait." He nodded silently, if uncertainly, and Bean moved to resume her post on the other side of the alley.

Luci snorted, thwapping his tail against Elfo's arm and muttering "Yeah. Don't get your hopes up." before hopping back up on top of the nearby trash can and beginning to roll another joint.

Elfo edged toward the street at Bean's behest, glancing around nervously as they waited for someone else to pass by near enough to try again.

 

 

-

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this upload. Tumblr's whole thing popped up and I had to scramble to get that taken care of. The next and final chapter should be up next tuesday!

 

-3-

"Hey, would you like to have sex with my elf?!" Bean was nothing if not persistent, even in the face of her companions' cynicism. Elfo had given up on the endeavor a full hour ago but he still struck a hopeful pose whenever Bean managed to corner some hapless passer-by. Luci didn't even bother with that much effort, having elected to smoke weed while occasionally throwing snide comments out about Elfo's 'sexy' poses. Bean, though, she was determined to make this work.

She could be a successful pimp, damn it!

The guy she was approaching kept trying to sidle past her, attempting to not make any eye contact. She grabbed him by the front of the shirt as he didn't manage to get enough distance between them, slamming his back up against the wall and glaring at him. "So, let's try this again." She gritted through her teeth, getting right up in his face. "Would You Like To Have Sex With My Elf." Even with Bean's hand gripping him by the shirt while the other was drawn back in a fist, the man still gave a frantic shake of his head.

Bean growled, fist drawing back further, ready to strike, when she felt a sudden frantic weight on her arm, pulling her off balance. Small green hands clung desperately at her while Elfo dangled helplessly from his grip on her. "No, Bean! Don't!" He met her gaze with a beseeching look. "Let him go."

"Don't listen to him." Now that there was something moderately interesting going on, Luci was compelled to butt in. "Listen to me. Punch that guy, Bean. You told him to do a thing and he didn't do it. It's a great reason to punch someone! Do it!"

"Bean, don't! It's not worth it!" Elfo whined, high pitched and distressed.

"Do not wuss out on this, Bean! Do it! Break his fucking nose! That'll show him for not paying for sex!"

She felt the tug at her arm again as Elfo swung his meager weight, trying not to lose his grip on her arm. He looked somehow even more ridiculous like this. His borrowed shirt was both swallowing up his tiny frame and also still leaving him mostly exposed. But for all that, he was still more determined than self-conscious. Bean groaned, taking a step back and lowering her fist. "Fine." She made a small noise of disgust as she released the man. "Get out of here!"

As soon as the man was free, he scrambled away as quickly as he could manage, leaving Bean still riled up and on the edge of losing what little patience she still possessed.

Despite the fact that she'd stopped because of Elfo - or perhaps because she'd done it for him even when she hadn't wanted to - she wasn't feeling particularly happy about it. Luci's suggestion about rearranging the man's face had sounded so much more satisfying. She gave her arm a rough shake, dislodging the elf who landed hard on his butt. "Are you happy?" She spat out, still high on her anger. "He would have paid, you know. It would have happened."

Elfo's eyes were big and plaintive as he looked up at her, not getting to his feet yet. "You can't just force someone to buy me, Bean. You're better than that."

Bean's laugh was soft and bitter, as the irony of Elfo's pleas struck her. "Am I?" It had only just now come to her that she was literally whoring Elfo out for the money. And he was doing it. For her. To help her. "I don't know if I can do this..." And how could she be a failure even at this? "If I can't even sell sex, then what am I good at?"

"Nothing." Luci replied coolly. "Maybe you just aren't cut out to be a productive member of society."

"It's okay, Bean. It's not your fault." Elfo wrung his hands. "It's me. I'm just not sexy. You did your best!"

Bean groaned, turning to lean her back against the building and hiding her face in her hands. "I know you're trying to be supportive, but what if you're wrong? What if I did do my best... and it just wasn't good enough? What then?"

Elfo had nothing reassuring he could say to that, so he just sat there, quiet and helpless in the face of her anguish, then slowly pushed himself to his feet, fretting silently. It was Luci who cleared his throat, still perched on Bean's shoulder. "Hey, life sucks." he said plainly. "But at least the bar should be open by now. Let's go drink away your problems."

It was a good idea, she had to give him that. And now that he'd mentioned drinking, she was feeling a bit parched. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. That sounds good." She straightened up, removing herself from against the wall. "Come on, Elfo. Let's drink."

"Oh." Elfo said, hands clasped together. "No, it's okay. I'm not thirsty. I'll just stay out here and uh... try to get some work done." He tugged at the bottom hem of his shirt, trying to look more presentable. Luci let out a snort of laughter.

"You sure?" Bean asked, not wanting to be a total asshole by leaving him behind, no matter how much she was eager to start slamming down some beers.

"Yeah." Elfo smiled, giving Bean a chipper expression. "It's okay Bean. You and Luci go."

"You heard him, Bean! Let's go get plastered! Elfo's gonna be here when we get back." Though Bean was still reluctant to leave him behind, Luci did make a good point. It wasn't likely that Elfo was going to find any customers on his own, especially based on their whole day so far. It would be fine. Besides, she really REALLY needed that drink.

"We'll be back in a bit, Elfo!" Bean finally gave in and headed down the street, toward the nearest tavern. It wasn't even that far away. It would be fine.

"See you when you get back!" The elf called out after them. Bean didn't even need to turn around to know Elfo was waving at their departing backs.

When Luci and Bean finally stumbled out of the bar six hours later, they had to double check that they'd returned to the right alleyway. There were only two within the correct stumbling distance, but that didn't make it easier. Not when their only distinguishing landmark - a small green elf - was nowhere to be seen.

-

The departure of Luci and Bean meant that Elfo was out on the mean streets all by himself. But he'd been out alone before and it hadn't been a problem. Besides, there were still almost no people passing by and the few who did barely spared him a sideways glance. Despite Bean's reassurances about him being cute, it seemed the rest of the world didn't agree. He was used to that... if he hadn't been trying to help Bean, he might not even have cared.

But he was trying to help Bean! And he wasn't doing a good job at it. He groaned, scuffing his feet against the cobbles. "This isn't working!"

"What's not working, Sugar?"

Elfo jumped, whirling around so quickly that he almost fell over. "Wha- Who's there?!" He looked up to find nothing. The voice seemed to have come out of nowhere. "Uh... hey? Mysterious voice?"

"Down here, darlin'." As Elfo's gaze traveled downward to the barrel sitting in the corner of the alley, he finally spotted the person speaking to him. The fairy was clad in her usual green outfit, the fabric riding high on her thighs. Elfo kept his gaze deliberately focused on her face. "So what are you doing in this alley, hm?"

A thought struck Elfo then and he gave a nervous laugh. "Oh, uh... is this your spot? I didn't mean to intrude."

"Not at all," she said, brushing aside his concerns with a dismissive wave of your hand. "Plenty of business in this town." She scooted forward on the barrel, legs dangling over the edge. She took a puff on her cigarette and let the smoke billow out past her lips. "I mean what are you doing here? You don't seem like the type of boy to work in this business."

"Yeah, I know." Elfo moped, not appreciating the reminder of his less than desirable status. "I don't even know why I'm here. No one is even interested in me. It's hopeless!"

"Honey, it's Dreamland. Someone is interested, trust me." She looked him over with a critical eye. "But why are you hooking? You down on your luck?" Another puff of smoke. "Most girls in this business either need the money or enjoy the work. What about you? You like sex or do you need rent?"

"Oh. Uh. Well, I mean I do like sex, but I'm actually here for Bean." Elfo's cheeks darkened.

"For beans? Oh honey, didn't anyone ever tell you that magic beanstalks are just in fairytales?"

"What? No. I meant Bean! You know. The princess."

The fairy looked at him, long and quiet before giving a nod. "Ah yeah. I know her. She threw that little shindig a few days ago." She tossed her cigarette butt to the cobbles where the lit end smoldered. "Me and the girls did good business there."

"Yeah.... well her dad found out and threw us out of the castle and now Bean is so sad! I wish I could do something to help her."

"So here you are." The fairy smiled.

"So, yeah. Here I am." Elfo rubbed at the back of his neck. "But I can't get any customers and Bean's just getting even sadder! I don't know what to do, Miss Fairy."

"Tch. Ain't no 'miss fairy' to anyone but some johns, perhaps. Call me Belle." He heard the faint flutter of wings and then felt a slight weight land on his shoulder. "Hey there, honey. Don't you get discouraged now. I can see this princess means a lot to you and besides, she throws a good party. I'll help you out."

"Really?" Elfo gasped in surprise and gratitude. "You'd do that Miss F- er... Belle. You'd really help me?"

"Sure thing." She said with a smile. "I don't think your problem is what you're offering, Sweet Stuff. I think you just need some better presentation.” Elfo looked down at himself at her words and made a face. It was hard to disagree. "So why don't we take you to meet the girls and we'll get you all dolled up properly."

Elfo glanced back toward the alley entrance. Bean and Luci were still nowhere to be seen. Given Bean's usual drinking habits, it was likely she'd be preoccupied for hours. It was probably safe to go, and besides, the fairies were experts at this kind of thing, weren't they? With their help, perhaps he really would be able to pull it off. "Yeah. Okay."

The fairy hopped off of his shoulder, wings fluttering as she took flight, leaving a trail of glittering dust behind her. The elf followed.

-

He'd never spent a lot of time around fairies before, so he hadn't been sure what to expect.

The group - mostly women, but at least two well dressed men as well - gathered around him as he entered the room, their wings fluttering as they moved around him, looking him over.

"Who is this charming fellow?" One of the fairies giggled as she landed on Elfo's hat.

"Hi! I'm Elfo!" He answered without thinking. They all made soft sounds of surprise and crowded in close.

"We haven't seen an elf 'round these parts in a long time." Belle said when he cast her a questioning look at the behavior of the others. "Everyone thought you were all gone by now." Despite their unusual interest in him, the fairies all got down to business quickly once they realized what he was there for.

"Oh, Honey." a male fairy said, flying in a slow circle around him. "That dress just isn't your color." He tugged at Elfo's truncated sleeve. "Let's get you out of that shabby thing."

They gathered in close around him and tiny hands tugged at Bean's belt, which hit the floor at his feet a second later. Their efficiency left him startled and unsteady as the group, working together, managed to yank the shirt off over his head. Elfo moved automatically to try and cover himself, ears burning as one of the fairies - a petite, dark haired woman - let out a gasp and then a laugh.

Right. His nappy. He hadn't even thought about it.

"Sorry!" he apologized quickly, tumbling over his words. "I don't usually dress like this!" His words were hushed as Belle tapped him on the nose.

"Don't apologize to us, Sweet Stuff. No judgement here. Believe me. We've seen it all." She pulled out another cigarette and lit it. "But in this business you won't get too many customers into that look."

"And the ones you will get, you probably won't want." The dark haired fairy added, solemnly. The others all nodded.

Elfo let out a yelp as two of the fairies grabbed at the ties on either end of the nappy and yanked. The fabric puddled around his feet as both of his hands dropped to cover himself at this inexplicable breeze against his nethers.

"You don't have to cover up, Honey. Like Belle said, we've seen it all before." The male fairy smiled before darting off to a wooden chest against the wall and coming back with a strip of fabric.

It went by in something of a blur. Swatches of fabric were held against his skin to find the best colours for him, and then before he knew it, the material had all been stitched together right around him. It happened so quickly that he was left a bit unsure of what exactly had happened.

"Come look, Sweet Stuff." Belle gave a tug at his hand. "You clean up pretty nice." She guided the shell-shocked elf over to a tall mirror.

The outfit was definitely an improvement over Luci's makeshift dress. It was actually fitted, for one, and the colour matched the light purple pom on his hat, with dark purple and gold highlights. It was also shorts, which was more familiar to wear than a dress, even if they were astonishingly short, riding up high around his thighs. The shirt was open fronted and he had to stifle the urge to cover what was visible of his chest.

"Just a finishing touch now." The male fairy said, fluttering up to wrap a decorative bauble around his neck, held in place by a dyed leather strip. "There we go! You look fabulous, Honey."

"I do?" Elfo asked, wondering.

They all nodded, chiming in with assent, and Elfo felt oddly warm and happy at the approval. Looking at himself in the mirror, he could almost see it. He didn't look silly and out of place, like he sometimes felt around humans. He looked good.

"Thank you, Miss Fairy." He said, reaching out a finger in lieu of a handshake and then giving her an embarrassed grin as she shot him a scolding look. "Thank you, Belle."

"Don't mention it, Sweet Stuff." She said, pressing a hand against his fingertip in a gesture of solidarity. "Next time you need to be dressed up pretty, you come to us, okay?"

"Okay!"

"Now, you get out there and knock 'em dead."

As Elfo made his way back to the alley, he almost felt he could actually get the hang of this whole thing. There was a bit of extra bounce to his step the entire way.

-

Back on the corner, there were more people about as evening settled in. Men were on their way to and from the bar, in various stages of drunkenness. Elfo had been huddled against the wall throughout Luci and Bean's early attempts to sell him off, but he didn't huddle now.

He leaned back slightly against the wall, arms crossed but more rebellious in tone than self-conscious.

"Hey." He said as a man slowed down to take a look at him. "You wanna?" He left the invitation open and hanging in the air.

Elfo could feel the man's gaze on him and felt the first flutters of nervousness. The man's eyes narrowed thoughtfully, his gaze keen with interest despite the fact that he already looked tipsy. "Yeah." He said, the words like a splash of cold water - both invigorating and terrifying. "Yeah. I wanna."

He reached into his coin pouch and shuffled for a moment before emerging with a shiny piece of silver. It gleamed like a beacon in the semi-darkness, the light of the street lamps reflecting off the smooth surface.

"Let's go back to my place, huh?"

Elfo hesitated, a moment of uncertainty creeping over him again. He'd almost forgotten, in all the anxiety about whether or not anyone would even want him, just what getting an actual customer would mean. He swallowed hard.

Do it for Bean, he reminded himself. "Yeah. Okay." He said out loud. The man's hand was outstretched and he took it gingerly, letting himself be led off into the night.

-


	4. Chapter 4

  
-4-

 

  
Bean wasn't sure how much time had actually passed since they came into the bar. She'd been feeling pretty down during that first drink. And the second. By the third, though, she finally had a nice buzz going on. Luci was already further along than she was, chugging and laughing at the loser who hit himself in the leg with a dart. Bean smiled a little herself, swirling the beer in her glass. "It's true what they say," she hiccuped. "Everything's better with booze."

"Hell yeah, Bean." Luci crowed, slamming another glass onto the table with his tail. "I'll drink to that!"

She downed another glass in a few swallows, lolling slightly onto the table and resting her cheek against the wood. "Yeah, this is nice. No one telling me I'm getting it wrong. Getting drunk, yeah, that's something I'm good at." She tapped her fingers against the wood, hazy. "Why'd we wait so long to come here again anyway?"

"Cuz you were so busy trying to sell Elfo's ass to random dudes," Luci said, climbing up onto the table. "And you sucked at it." He leaned against Bean's arm. "But that's okay. It's okay if you suck." He laughed drunkenly. "Cuz life just **sucks** , y'know. It's all about sucking slightly less than the next guy."

"The next guy sucks!" Bean agreed. "He sucks. He really does." She raised her glass and beer slopped over the side. "He can suck... my butt." She laughed at her own joke, almost snorting out her last swallow of beer. For a moment she looked into the frothy brew still in her glass and then blurted out, "So - uh - where did Elfo go anyway?" She knew this, didn't she?

"Wow, you are wasted." Luci slurred out, patting her unsteadily on the arm. "We left him in the alley, remember, Stupid? He's probably still out there trying to get people to buy sex with him."

"Oh yeah." That did sound familiar. "Think he found someone?"

"Nah." Luci reached for another beer. "Never happen."

"Should we... uh...." What were words? "Should we go get him?"

"Nah." Luci answered again. "Too much work. He'll come in when he gets tired of being pathetic. Let's have more beer!" Bean nodded as she gestured for the bartender to bring them another round. Luci was right. Elfo would come in when he finally gave up on this whole stupid idea too.

She reached for another beer.

-

She woke up as soon as she hit the ground, though she lay there for a long while with her cheek against the cobblestones, trying to weather the sudden disorientation. She jolted as something hit her across the back. The object lay there for a second, then rolled over and made its wobbly way up to the back of Bean's shoulder. Then the object came into her hazy field of vision and it was Luci.

"Ow. Damn." Luci groaned. "How much did we have? I lost count." He prodded Bean with the tip of his pointy tail. "Hey, nutbag. You alive down there?"

"Not if you keep talking." Bean groaned, squinting at the effort of keeping her eyes open despite the throbbing in her skull. She slowly rolled over onto her side, causing Luci to fall to the ground. He gave a low grunt, flopping around for a moment before pushing himself to his feet.

"Maybe we overdid it." Luci conceded, poking Bean again, this time with his equally pointy fingers. "C'mon. Up."

Bean glared at him from the corner of her eye, unable to muster the energy to actually kick him. "And whose fault is that?" She gritted through her teeth.

Luci just stared at her blandly, unmoved by her pain. "It's yours." He said flatly. "You're the one who listened to my do it do it do its."

"Ugh." Bean groaned again, rubbing at her eyes. "What else was I supposed to do? It's not like Elfo was there to complain that it was a bad idea!" She laid there for a moment, squinting at nothing, then sat up quickly. "Wait! Elfo!"

Luci blinked, his tail scraping against the ground in a catlike twitch. "What about him?"

Bean scrambled for a moment, looking around as though their green companion might suddenly manifest out of thin air. "He's gone!"

Luci considered this. "Huh. Oh yeah. That's probably why I haven't been annoyed for the past few minutes."

"This is serious." Bean admonished him. "What if he gets lost? He's just like... super defenseless."

"Don't be stupid, Bean. We left him in the alley, remember? He was still trying to sell his body to random dudes." He paused then laughed. "Oh yeah! I almost forgot we were doing that. Pff. Dumb idea. Funny though." When his half-hearted assurances didn't have any effect on Bean's mood, he let out a long suffering sigh. "C'mon Bean, keep it together. He's probably still in the alley-" Luci muttered more under his breath, "even though he was SUPPOSED to join us at the bar." The demon leaped over onto Bean's sprawled calf, already shaking off the effects of the hangover. "C'mon. Let's go get him."

Bean was wobbly as she got to her feet. "Yeah. Good idea." She winced a bit as Luci climbed up her leg to sit on her shoulder. The alleyway was pretty close by, but it felt like forever to get there. After Luci had spoken, she did remember - vaguely - that Elfo had wanted to stay and keep trying. They reached the mouth of the alley and Bean was anticipating that he'd come running up, perhaps even crying while doing so. He didn't always take disappointment well.

But there was no sound as she stepped into the alley, no small green form, hugging at her leg for dear life. There was just some random trash lying around and not even the hint of Elfo. "Wait," she said, still a bit groggy with her head still pounding. "This is the wrong alley." Of course it was. It had to be. If it were the right alley, Elfo would be here.

She backtracked to the tavern again. This time she took a different turn and was pleased to spot another alley. "Here we are." As she drew near, there was trash and a passed out hobo, but no elf. "He's gotta be here somewhere."

Luci groaned near her ear. "He's not."

Despite this, Bean insisted on checking under the trash piles, even the ones that were far too small to hide an elf. She even looked behind the unconscious hobo. It took searching underneath the same discarded piece of broken wood three times before Bean was ready to concede the obvious. "He's not here!"

She dashed back to the other alley, looking around, similarly frantic before coming to the conclusion that he wasn't in this alley either. By this point, Bean was fully awake, if still in a mood because of the lingering hangover. She skidded out into the main street and grabbed the nearest passerby, giving the unfortunate woman a shake. "Have you seen my elf?"

While Bean questioned random people in the street, Luci leaned against the wall to smoke and laugh. Still, even he had his limits - that is, limits to the amount of time even he could watch Bean assault people for no reason before it lost a lot of its novelty. "Hey! Bean! I don't think they know anything!"

She was preoccupied with her effort to beat the tar out of the man she was currently punching. Luci actually had to step in, poking her in the shin to get her attention. In response, she punted him across the alley where he landed unceremoniously in a trash heap. He emerged with a growl and a sputter. "Yo! Bean!" This time he jumped up high and clawed his way up to her arm. "As fun as it is to watch you flipping out, we're not finding Elfo like this."

Bean paused at last, glancing at him from the corner of her eye, teeth gritted. She was bleeding from the edge of her lip where the dude she'd been grappling had landed a lucky punch. Her ears were still ringing. "Then how do we find him?" She demanded.

"Easy." Luci began and Bean felt every inch of her body snap to attention. Did Luci actually have a plan? If so, could she trust that it was a good plan? Despite his assurances, she couldn't recall a single instance of Luci's plans not somehow backfiring on her. He was a demon, after all. Yet despite all this, she was ready to hear the plan anyway. "It's really simple. We DON'T find him."

"What?" Bean straightened up fully, loosing her grip on the dude who was finally able to wiggle free. He gave her one last parting gift, in the form of a booted foot slamming hard against her calf. She hissed, snarling after him before Luci's words sank in fully. "What do you mean? Don't find him?! That's crazy!" She was hobbling slightly as she walked over and picked him up by the nape. "We can't just abandon him."

Luci's tone had a sardonic edge. "Well, I mean we can..." Bean gave him a shake and he grumbled, reaching up to catch hold of her hand and pull himself up onto her arm. He sat on her shoulder, legs dangling. "Stop that! Look! We both know Elfo. He's not as stupid as he looks." An obviously grudging assessment.

"He doesn't look stupid," Bean mumbled. "He just kinda looks soft. Like a puppy. Or a pillowcase full of ducks." She paused. "More like a puppy, I guess."

"Then this makes even more sense, if we're comparing him to a dog." Luci tapped at her cheek to get her attention. "I say we go back to whats-her-name's house. Elfo probably got tired of failure and went back there. And if he didn't, he'll probably go back there at some point anyway." Perhaps he sensed Bean's continuing reluctance because he added, "And, I mean we're not likely to find him just by wandering around out here." He hopped down off of her shoulder and walked down the street toward Bunty's house. Bean stared after him, fidgeting with the dangling hem of her shirt, still hanging loose with no belt to hold it.

Finally, with the patter of his footsteps starting to get distant, she followed.

-

Elfo wasn't at Bunty's house. Bean wanted to be more surprised. As much as she'd been hoping to see his small green face peering out the door at her - or even just in one of Bunty's makeshift highchairs, drinking more pig milk, he simply wasn't there. Bean plopped herself down in one of the chairs at the table, slumping even as two of Bunty's kids cleaned off the wooden surface, then tried to serve her something that was probably water.

"I don't understand," she groaned, resting her face in her arms. "He was supposed to be here." There was a gnawing feeling in her belly that wasn't hunger or the warning of immanent puking from too much booze. It was probably worry, she guessed, but she wasn't used to worrying over something that didn't directly involve her own well being.

"Well, maybe he'll still show up." Luci sat on the table.

"Yeah. Maybe." Bean rested her chin in one hand, still darting glances at the door. Bunty was still puttering around in the background but she was easy enough to ignore. Bean had been doing it for years. It was harder to ignore the slow passage of time. It felt like days, but she was sure barely an hour had passed.

She jolted out of the semi-stupor she was in as Bunty touched her shoulder, almost jumping out of her seat. "Bunty? What?!"

"There now!" Bunty patted at her arm. "Why so mopey, Princess? Whatever are you on about now?"

Bean stared for a moment, mouth agape, then clenched her fist. "He's gone, Bunts..."

"Oh, the poor lad. So young, God rest him." Bunty held a worn handkerchief to her chest in a moment of silent respect. Then, " Who's gone?"

"Uh." Bean wrinkled her nose, not sure whether to answer. "Elfo."

"Oh goodness! Wee baby Elfo?" Bunty fluttered her hands in dismay. "He was right as rain yesterday morning! Was it the plague? Or those Godforsaken walking leeches? It was the leeches, wasn't it?" She dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve. "And not even a body to toss into the pit."

"No, Bunty!" Bean interrupted the portly woman's mournful speech. "I mean he's gone. We left him in an alley when we went to the bar and when we came back... well... he wasn't there."

Bunty's loud grieving fell into an abrupt pause at thisnew information. "Gone? What do you mean, gone? And why on earth would you have left the wee lad in an alley anyway?"

Bean ducked her head slightly, turning it to only look out of the corner of her eye at Bunty as she mumbled low and fast "Weweresellinghimforsex." Luci snickered from where he was sitting on the table and was absolutely no help.

"Come again?"

"Fine!" Bean blurted out. "We were selling him, okay!! Like for sex. Because we needed the money!" Except that she didn't really need the money, did she? She could always go back to the castle, say she was sorry or humbled or whatever. Except she hadn't and instead she'd somehow thought Luci's half-baked plan was better than that prospect.

Except it was all crashing down around her ears now and Luci still seemed as unrepentant as ever. And it had been his plan to begin with! She might have punted him across the room if he'd been within kicking distance, but he'd slyly made sure he was nowhere near her foot. Instead, Bean had to make due with kicking the table leg and making the dishes rattle.

For her part, Bunty was agape. "What's that?" The woman was normally unflappable, but she'd apparently heard too much. "Out there on the street, selling the poor lad like a strumpet? Why I don't know what you were thinking! That's no job for such a wee sweet thing!" Perhaps she noticed Bean's guilt, since she cut into her tirade to offer some attempt at comfort. "Well... still I suppose you shouldn't go worrying about that, Princess. It'll all be okay."

"It will?" Bean allowed herself a glimmer of hope. Bunty was used to this whole peasant lifestyle. Maybe she knew something Bean didn't? "You think he'll come back?"

"What?" Bunty tutted. "Oh. No." She made a soft sound that might have been bleak amusement. "He's gone for sure, little lad. It's the way of things for that unfortunate lot. Still, I suppose he had a good run."

Bean crumpled in her seat. What Bunty was saying didn't make any sense. After everything they'd been through together, with Elfo ruining Bean's wedding and the two of them rescuing Luci and beating some land vikings.... it just didn't feel right that it might end here. He couldn't actually be... gone. Right?

There was a sigh from beside her, much put upon. "Now you really are moping. Boring." Luci eased over to stand by her arm, tensing a little as she shifted her hand. "Don't hit me!" He grumbled at her suspiciously until she put her hand down. "Look, I didn't want to have to do this, because being the voice of reason is NOT my thing." He sighed again. "But before you start going and writing some touching eulogy here, we've still got some options.”

She sniffled, but nodded slowly. "Yeah?"

  
"Yeah. So stop dribbling snot and tears all over everything and let's find an elf." He hopped down off the table and trotted out the door. Bean blinked, then followed after him.

She was even more puzzled when Luci led her a short distance to a shop that didn't seem very active at all. "Paper? What do we need this for?" An inkwell hit her in the knuckles. "OW!"

"Let's hope you're a better artist than you are a pimp." Luci spread out a sheet of paper for himself, using his claws to dip in ink and start tracing the rough outline of what seemed to be a lumpy potato. After Bean stared at him for a few moments, he thwapped his tail against the side of her head. "Get to drawing, Stupid! These posters won't make themselves! People pay attention to these because they like bribes!"

"You mean rewards?"

"Whatever."

Luci's posters didn't look a lot like Elfo, but as Bean was quick to discover, drawing their little elf companion was a lot harder than it seemed. Bean bit at her lip in frustration as her artistic endeavor came out as a stick figure with huge triangle ears and a pointy hat. Redoubling her efforts on even more posters didn't help the quality of the art at all.

"Oh man, you suck." Luci laughed while looking at her art and she bristled.

"Oh yeah? Well, on your poster he looks like... I don't know... a potato! Just a lumpy potato with pointy ears! And extra lumps for some reason!"

"Those are tears! He's crying see. Cuz he's lost and like... all pathetic and crap. It's realistic." Luci looked up at her through narrowed eyes. "Still better than your shitty stick figures."

"You both suck, okay!" The scribe gave a low howl of distress. "Neither of you can draw worth a damn and your penmanship is atrocious! What does this even say?!" He pointed to a smudgey scribble next to Bean's stick figure.

"Hi, I'm Elfo!" Both of them chimed in at the same time.

The scribe smacked a hand across his own forehead with a groan. "Look... if I just draw these for you, will you please leave my shop and never come back?"

"Yes!" Bean stifled whatever smartass comment Luci was about to make by crushing him against the table with her elbow. "If you do the work, we'll leave!"

An hour or so later, the exited the shop with a sheaf of papers in hand.

"He did a pretty good job," Bean said as she looked over the artist renditions of Elfo. "People are sure to recognize him!"

"Eh. He got his ears wrong. That little notch thingy is on the other side." Luci scoffed, but grabbed one out of her hand anyway, plastering it against a nearby wall. "Hey, this is kinda fun! It's like vandalism, but people have to just shut up and take it!" An elderly woman glared at him as he haphazardly slapped a poster onto her front door. "Fuck you, lady! It's for a good cause! **Booyah**."

Bean was more determined and got less delight out of putting the posters up, but she was feeling more hopeful as she got to the bottom of the stack. "This should do it. Someone's bound to turn him in for the reward."

"What is the reward anyway?" Luci climbed up onto her shoulder again as she headed back toward Bunty's place.

"I don't know." Bean shrugged. "I figured we'd think of something. Maybe we could give them one of Bunty's kids." The woman had so many, she probably wouldn't miss one of them.

"Oh man... child slavery? **Noice**! Good job Bean!"

-

Somehow time went even slower once they were back at Bunty's with nothing to do but wait for someone to hopefully show up with their elf in tow. Soon enough, it was more than Bean could take. The sky was starting to darken outside and the princess rose from her seat.

"Bar." She said succinctly and Luci smiled, nodding.

At least at the bar she could drink away her own troubles... She made her way there, the same tavern they'd been at the previous night. They sat at the same table, even. As the first drink was pushed into her waiting hands, Bean immediately hoisted it and took a greedy gulp. She rested the glass on the table seconds later, almost empty. Beside her, Luci was getting a good start on his beer, halfway inside the glass and chugging.

Despite the drinks and the numbing buzz they provided, Bean couldn't keep her mind off of their lost companion. She spoke without meaning to. "I hope he's okay out there."

Luci already had three empty glasses beside him on the table. "I still think he's dead." He admitted. His tone was bland and yet also somehow bleak, a far cry from his earlier flippant attitude about the missing elf. "He was an idiot and he Did It and now he's probably rotting in a ditch somewhere." He shoved aside an almost full glass of beer with a frustrated grunt. "Damn. I need some weed." He pulled out a joint from god knows where and lit it with his tail, taking a few long drags.

Bean reached for the demon's discarded beer and pulled it over to herself. "I'm gonna miss him." She said, taking a swig. "Here's to Elfo."

"What's to me?"

In the fogginess of her slightly tipsy state, Bean thought she heard a familiar voice. "I can almost hear him now," she mused to Luci. "With his cute whiny voice..."

"And all his annoying questions." Luci agreed, between puffs.

"Uh... guys...?"

"Hmm... I think it's all getting a bit TOO real now." Luci peered down at the joint in his hand. "Or maybe it's just a bad batch." He glanced down from the table as he prepared to throw the joint away. "Holy shit! I'm hallucinating!" He paused for a long moment, then grinned. "Cool."

"Luciii!"

"Hey, hallucination of Elfo." Luci gave a dismissive flick of his tail, apparently having forgotten that he was going to throw away the weed and instead taking another hit. "Hey Bean? Want some of this? You might hallucinate Elfo being here."

  
"But I don't want to hallucinate Elfo being here," Bean let out a tipsy sob. "He's supposed to **actually** be here!"

"I  **am** actually here!"

Bean gave a slow blink, looking at her half empty glass, then looking at Elfo, who was standing next to the table in some weird purple outfit and practically quivering with outrage. He looked pretty real... "I didn't have any weed," she began, hesitant, still trying to wrap her brain around things. "And I'm only on my third drink... that means..." It took a few more seconds to really click and then- "ELFO!" She almost fell out of her seat, knocking Luci off the table as she dropped to one knee beside the elf. "You're real! And you're here!" She reached out and mooshed his cheeks with both hands while he gave an indignant little sputter. Then she gave him a hug, which he returned, even if he did seem a bit flustered and confused by the attention.

"Are you guys okay?" He asked, patting at her shoulder. It struck Bean as kind of hilarious that he was the one asking them that, considering she'd been pretty convinced he was dead only a few minutes ago. But she was still drunk and it might have been less amusing if she'd been sober and less awash with relief.

"We're fine," she answered, then had the belated thought, "are you okay?" She eased back on her heels to look him over, baffled anew at the strange clothes he was in. No wonder Luci had thought she was a hallucination. "What are you even wearing?" Elfo looked like he was going to answer, but was immediately cut off when Bean started patting him down, just to reassure herself that he was real. "Where did you go? Did someone try to take you?!"

"I'm okay!" Elfo yelped out, trying to squirm away from her hands. "I'm fine! Really!" As Bean finally stopped pawing at him, he smoothed the front of his shirt.

"Hm." Luci peered over the edge of the table. He still seemed a bit suspicious about Elfo's very existence. "So where were you then, if you're not a hallucination?"

Elfo puffed himself up a little at that. "I had a customer!"

Bean wasn't sure she'd heard right and from the look on Luci's face, he wasn't sure either. The demon was the first to speak though, sneering a bit at the notion. "You had a what?"

"A customer!"

Luci tossed his joint to the floor at last. "You're lying."

There was a soft shuffle as Elfo reached into his shirt and pulled out a silver coin. Then another. He set them down on the floor in front of Luci who let out a disbelieving curse.

"Holy shit!" Luci picked up one of the coins and bit at it before winding and spitting it out again. "I can't believe it! Someone actually bit?" His eyes narrowed. "I guess there really are a lot of pervs in this town."

"He was pretty nice, I guess." Elfo said, suspiciously noncommittal.

Despite his tacit defense of whatever dude had been willing to pick him up off the street for random sex, Bean still felt a bit odd about it all. Was this guilt she was feeling? She didn't really know how to interpret or process the emotion... and she still wasn't convinced that the elf was actually okay. She wanted to look him over - and what was with the weird new outfit - or to pat him down again and squish him with her hands slightly to make sure he was undamaged, but he was keeping his distance. "Are you sure he didn't hurt you?" She'd already beaten the tar out of a few people today and she would happy add an elf molester to her list.

"Oh no! I think he was lonely." Elfo climbed up to a seat at the table, legs dangling, reaching for the half full glass of beer Luci had discarded. "He wanted to talk a lot. And then I cooked." He tutted a bit. "Such a sad kitchen!"

Bean was starting to feel a little bit better. Despite the scare, Elfo was back safely and nothing was amiss. Except for one thing. "What about my belt?"

"Oh! Yeah." Elfo shuffled his shirt and Bean realized he was carrying it wrapped around his middle, under his new clothes. After disentangling from it, he put it into her hand.

As Bean was wrapping it around her own waist, she finally voiced her relief. "Well, I think we're all glad that's over."

Luci hopped up, then flopped onto his back on the table, smirking. "And we're all equally glad that Elfo didn't get laid by some random dude." He snagged another glass.

Elfo peeked his head up from his drink at that. "Oh, no. I did."

"What?!" They both tried to say the word, but Bean was the only one who actually managed because Luci choked on his beer and started coughing.

"Yeah." Elfo chimed in helpfully, apparently oblivious to Luci's hacking. "After food he asked for a blowjob. And... I mean he did say please. And he already gave me those coins so-"

" **Stop!** " Luci managed to sputter. "Just stop, okay. Damn... that's already a mentally traumatizing image I'll never be able to get out of my brain! We don't need details!"

Bean nodded in slow agreement. Unlike Luci she still couldn't wrap her mind around that thought, for which she was grateful. Denial was great. Denial... and more beer.

Luci swatted at her arm and she blinked at him. "Huh?"

"Well Bean, I think it's official. Our pimping days are over." He gave a full body shudder. "We are not gonna try selling Elfo's ass again. Yeesh." She nodded again, still unable to form words. Elfo looked at the two of them with mild surprise, but no actual protest. Bean couldn't even imagine what might be going on in his little green head.

"More drinks..." She managed to croak out at last. "Being a drunk is one job I know I'm good at."

"I'll drink to that!" Luci agreed, holding up a glass. "To booze! And the general application thereof!" It was a fitting toast and perhaps a fitting end to a kind-of adventure. Or if not fitting, at least it was an end.

"To booze!" They chimed out in response, then got down to drinking.

-End-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay but when I went to type the chapter up from my notebook it turned out far longer than I expected. So here you go, the story's all done and I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I have more stories in progress. Check me out on tumblr @thineownelfbetrue for more of my stories and artwork!
> 
> If you liked this and want to see more, comments are always appreciated! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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